They Call Me Mr. F.I.B.

Here's is a story from today's Milwaukee Journal Sentinel without comment, as it says it all and more.

On New Year's Day, in the space of 3 hours and 6 minutes, a 2004 Nissan Altima with Illinois plates was pulled over for speeding four times in four Wisconsin counties, all on I-90.

On the first three stops, the driver was Piotr Pac, 21, of the Chicago suburb of Prospect Heights, according to the Wisconsin State Patrol.

But the top speed was reached by Pac's girlfriend, 18-year-old Emilia A. Goralczyk of neighboring Mount Prospect. She was the one ticketed the fourth time, as Pac had been taking a nap.

But, if you're about to squeal with glee, hold on.

Pac isn't happy about his $902 share of the $1,393 speeding tickets. But he wasn't embarrassed, either, when told Wednesday that he would be in the newspaper.

His first words were, "I'm famous!"

Pac just hopes his parents don't find out. They know he got caught going 60 in a 40 mph zone near home a few days before the Wisconsin rampage.

But they don't know about the Wisconsin tickets, nor the one he got a few days later near home for driving 72 in a 35-mph zone.

"My father kicked my ass" after the first ticket, "so I can't tell him about this stuff in Wisconsin," Pac said.

Pac has good reason to worry. His father put Pac's 175-horsepower Altima in his name so that Pac could afford the insurance. Before that, Pac's premium was $3,000 every six months.

Still, Pac doesn't completely regret his Badgerland spree. Goralczyk had called him at 4 a.m., crying over a fight she had with a friend at a party, so he drove 180 miles to Wisconsin Dells to pick her up.

"I would do everything for her," Pac said.

The trouble was, Pac had to be home by 10 a.m. to start his $9.25-an-hour clerk's job at Nordstrom Rack. Hence, he blazed his trail through Wisconsin, on half an hour's sleep, after some partying on New Year's Eve.

State Trooper Thomas Licari had the honor of pulling over the Altima for the fourth and final time. He said that after hearing about the first three stops on his radio, he had joked that he would be making the next stop. But he didn't expect the sedan to go screaming by at 108 mph.

"I don't even go that fast with the (emergency) lights on, unless it's a real bad emergency," Licari said.

The trooper said he tried to explain to Pac and Goralczyk the danger of traveling 43 mph over the speed limit - particularly without wearing seat belts, which earned the couple $10 tickets along the way.

But Pac scoffs at such concern. He said he has been driving since he was 9 in his native Poland and that he has been safe at high speeds during his five years in the U.S. - even though he has had to hire a lawyer numerous times over various tickets and license suspensions.

"You have to have an exciting life," he said of his NASCAR tendencies, "because (otherwise) life is boring."

The visits with state troopers made Pac 21/2 hours late for work on New Year's Day. But he said he had called ahead and his boss wasn't mad.

As for the tickets, Pac has court dates in four different counties next month.

He said he hasn't decided whether he'll simply pay the tickets beforehand - or, as his lawyer has suggested, ask the judges for leniency.

And an apology to all for Illinoisan friends for the joke in the title. If you don't get the joke, let me 'buy a vowel' and tell you that the "I" stands for Illinois. You figure out the rest.

Update: Let me be a little more clear. F.I.B. is an acronym for a vulgar and disparaging phrase used by Wisconsinites to identify Illinois residents.